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Real Life vs. House of Lies

I pack a whole load of activity into single day so I don’t spend much time watching TV.  The other night, in a rare gap of time, the Light of My Life and I caught up on House of Lies Season 1 Episode 3, Showtime’s gut wrenching send up of the consulting industry.  In this episode, Don Cheadle and the Pack help a client through a difficult ERP decision while at the same time engaging in a riotous series of shenanigans apparently representative of the life of a consultant on the road.

In light of what this episode revealed about the fictionally glamorous life of ERP consulting,  I realized my deep and abiding responsibility to give you, my faithful readers, what this episode may have looked like in real life.

Have you ever accused a co-worker in front of his boss of picking up a transvestite in a bar?

No.  Never.  I have accused co-workers of being communists, liberals, Latvian Wiener Dogs, moronically pathetic excuses for human beings and lazy.  But never would I question the romantic practices of a co-worker.  That’s just not respectful.

Have you ever picked up a transvestite named Kiki in a bar?

There was one moment sweet in life when the VC money was flowing, the internet was blossoming into a kudzu covered field green like cash, and the possibilities grew limitless across a never-ending plain of deal flow and increasing prices.  At that one moment, when the shackles of the old economy were coming unbound and the feel of adventure vibrated through my very bones I…nah. Never did.

Have you ever pitched woo at a client’s wife to secure a deal?

No.  I have, however, taken a lot of overweight middle aged guys to steak restaurants to secure deals.  Is there really much difference?

Has the CFO of any client company offered to give you a foot massage?

Sadly, no.  And to think I put in so many years of college not to get one.

Have you ever intentionally failed an ERP recommendation to a client board to drive the company into the ground and secure a juicy consulting contract with the buying company who you just happened to let know about the pending ERP failure?

Juicy contract?  Hmmm.  Probably not.  Sounds more like something Polino would do.


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